Stop Me if You've Heard This...

Not feeling too creative today - long day at work. Thought I'd just post up some of the jokes I have received via email.
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It Started

Jake came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, Sarah, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

Sarah looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When Jake finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time, Sarah looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, Jake said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That's it!" Sarah blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

Jake sighed. "Oh shit, it started."

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Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sah Arapipeline."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" He asks?

"Sah Arapipeline;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St.

Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says,

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

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The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"